How do I tell my kids dad's in jail

Kenny Toh for Mind Your Body
Kenny Toh is a life coach and founder of The Coaching Academy and International Network for Parents as Coaches. For details, visit www.coachingacademy.com.sg and www.parentsascoaches.net

---

Q I have been married for 10 years with two children (boy, age 13, and girl, age six). In 2004, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a Chinese woman. This turned our whole world upside down. My son and I went for counselling and tried to move on with life. My son tried very hard to put up a brave front for me. But I knew he was very hurt as he hardly talked about his father.

Things got worse. In mid-July 2005, my husband said he needed to go to Malaysia to deal with some business involving a friend. There was no news from him until August when I received a letter from the government saying he had been detained in Shanghai for a drug trafficking offence and sentenced to 15 years in jail. Till today, the children have no idea what happened to their father and I have no intention of telling them.

My worries are :
>>Did I make the correct decision by not telling them? Some people say it is best they hear it from me, but they are still very young and may not understand the situation, especially my boy, who is entering his teenage years. I worry that if I tell the truth, it may affect his self-esteem for life.
>>When they find out the truth, how should I react? What should I do to reduce their confusion and hurt? Should I take the children to visit him in prison? So far he has been in there for 11/2 years but I have not visited him once. He is allowed to make phone calls home, so the children can still hear his voice and ask him questions like when he is coming home. He always says soon, but the disappointment can be seen on my son's face when he cannot confirm a date.
>>Due to financial problems, I sold my five-room flat, which my son was very reluctant to move from. The reason he gave was that he was worried his father may not find us when he returns. We moved in to stay with my mother, whom he dislikes. But he puts up with me for now.

I know my son is very unhappy but I cannot get him to talk about his feelings. I have this feeling that he is keeping all the confusion and disappointment inside; his behaviour is getting more violent each day and I worry. Is there any way that I can help him, because I have tried getting him to a counsellor, but he refuses to go. And even during those sessions, the counsellor told me he is hiding his feelings and it's very hard to get him to talk about his true feelings. What should I do?

A Your concerns about the risk of telling your son the truth when he may not be ready to understand and handle it well are certainly valid. What is important is not whether you have made the right or wrong decision, but that your decisions and actions are centred on the well-being of your children. Only you are in the position to judge, be it now or in the years to come, whether your children are sufficiently mature to handle the truth. Meanwhile, I believe you have already told them one version of the situation.

Your challenge is to work closely with your family and friends to stick consistently to what was communicated until you deem the time is ripe to unveil the truth.

In the event that your children should discover the truth prematurely, do remain calm and supportive. Should there be confusion or hurt, be prepared to allow time for healing to take place. Know that there is nothing you can do to change the facts, but it is up to you to help your children deal with the truth in the best way possible. As a parent, the best way is inevitably one that ensures your children's well-being is taken care of.

As a spouse, it is really up to you whether you wish to remain in contact with your husband during his term in Shanghai. You might need to ask yourself honestly: How do I want my marriage to proceed from here?

Whatever your answer might be, it would certainly be beneficial that you forgive him. Forgiveness will free you from the past and provide a clearing for you to create a new future both for you and your family.

Given your situation, there are probably many reasons that your teenager is unhappy, including having him see a counsellor. Even without the family issues, the teenage years are inherently a confusing period for most. What he needs most from you right now is probably love, acceptance and understanding. For a start, the best thing to do is probably for you to spend some time with him regularly and show an interest in what he thinks and feels by simply listening without judgment.

Acknowledge his feelings with empathy. The best way to open his heart is by none other than a parent's love - which is absolutely within your control. Be prepared to put in some time and effort, and wait patiently for a breakthrough. If you feel that you need help on how to connect with a teenager, do not be afraid to seek help either from other parents who are successful in doing so with their teens or professionals such as counsellors and coaches.